I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
