That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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