Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
