so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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