sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
