4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
