I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
