if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Who died my cat blue again?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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