Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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