i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize