What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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