I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
