This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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