Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
