I just pynch a tree in the face
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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