You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
