Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
