i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
