What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
