Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
