I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
