i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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