i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
