I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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