You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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