O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
