Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
