Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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