Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
