i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
