meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
