i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
