I can text with my tongue
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
