ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
