Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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