Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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