when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
