My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
