How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
