dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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