ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
