this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
