I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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