Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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