so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
