I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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