Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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