apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
