is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
