I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
being pregnant is like rehab
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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