We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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