I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
