So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
