My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
