if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
