Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize