just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
