Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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