i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
