I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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