You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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