There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
