Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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