She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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