she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
